i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
