Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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