I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
