I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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