I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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