When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
