Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
