she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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