Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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