mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
