I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
