Me too!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
