Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
