i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
try to milk me bitch
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
