No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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