He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
