The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
