I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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