there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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