dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
