On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The power of my boobs compel you
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
