Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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