No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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