drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
