is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
don't judge my taste in strippers
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
