She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
