New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
