my phone needs a breathalizer
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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