Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Your penis caused this!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
