I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
