Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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