her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
