my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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