I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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