I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
