I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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