I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Vodka?
Forever.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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