Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
