That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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