I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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