Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
