I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
