I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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