I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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