Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
