Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
