i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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