my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
