I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
