why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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