from now on my penis is your penis
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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