My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize