is your mom at the bar?
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
