I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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