Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
