there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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