im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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