Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
