Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
