how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
