One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
