My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
When did angry sex become our thing?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
