do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
