Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
