You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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