Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
