I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
