I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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