It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
im on a boat
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