ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
