I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
