Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
