I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
