My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I think your dad took our porno
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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